"A Moment in the Sun," changes, moving, possible new home...and the madness that comes wit
I for the life of me am not sure I should even write this right now, for you may well think I've gone right around the bend. As usual, the past several weeks have brought changes, and every single one of them decided to come at me, all at once.
So, let's begin...first of all...shameless plug, please...
Yep, let's throw it down! "A Moment in the Sun," my second book is out there and available at Sunbury Press Books...you can find it right here:
You can also find my works here on Amazon.com, if so inclined:
All right! Hard to say what the sales look like right now...someone is definitely buying "A Moment..." for I've seen some fluctuations of the rankings on the Amazon site. I try not to worry too much about those, because look at the competition! Millions of books, new and old!
Well, getting it out there, and under these conditions has been the important thing. What else is going on? Doing more events soon, check the Events page, but we'll be out and about on April 1st in York at the Emporium, and again on May 7th at the Rooted. Those should be fun, and I hope in between to have others scheduled.
Of course, all of this happened in the very same month that I was served Notice to Quit my home of 15 years. Evicted, kicked out, whatever you like, I knew it was coming.
I got 30 days' notice as the landlady is selling for development. I'll have a bit more, she's been cool about it.
I have to find a home. I took the step of entering into an effort to buy a house, only the second in my life, and in Harrisburg. Closer to work, all of that; also, with rents so high and cats(!), no way is anyone going to rent to me.
So after one false start, I am closing in on a really nice place that's undergone renovations, and I'm getting for a good price. We just need to agree on all the little things...and there are so many, if you have ever purchased a home.
That's where depression, and mania come back to haunt me.
Everyone wants everything done. Now. Everyone wants their money. Now. Everyone wants everything done. Now.
You know what it's like, right?
Inspections, evaluations, contractors, walk-throughs, visits, discussion, disgreements, one thing after a fucking other.
This is not good for me, never has been. My job is one thing. My book is another. Trying to get ready for the next book, another. Trying to find an agent again, another.
Trying to clear out 15 years of life in one place, another! And the movers!
Yes, I'm hiring movers, because I can. I cannot physically do the move, I just cannot. I have spent nearly every day for the past couple weeks packing, boxing, getting rid of, letting go of huge amounts of my life.
What the fuck have I got in here?!?
I've got rid of a lot of things you might be surprised I'd do, but letting go is good. You have to; there's no choice.
My good friend Mitzi is going through it now. With her parents in assisted living, she's been tasked with selling the family home and everything in it. She has many years more than me invested in it.
It's pretty awful at times.
I am still not assured of this home. I really want the space. I don't think I'm asking too much.
But the depression and the mania both are coming after me, and with revenge on their minds.
I feel they want me dead. That's how it feels.
Oh, and of course the worst case of the flu I've ever had, that came along, did I forget to mention? That took too much time, and energy from me. Too much has been taken from what worked for me, and I have to adapt and change again.
Change is needed, and it is good. Sometimes how it is applied is painful, and not good.
I am grateful to everyone who has offered advice, assistance and help. But oh, sometimes you just feel like you're being hammered into madness...you can't do this, you can't do that, you mustn't do this, you need to do that, OHMYGODWHATDOYOUTHINKYOU'REDOINGYOUCAN'TDOTHATYOU'LLGETRIPPEDOFFMUGGEDSHOTKILLED...
Cue Dresden Dolls music, Maestro...
Yes, let's go there for about three minutes. This is what I went through for nearly a month after I stopped my anti-depressants. I'm going there again, practically every fucking day.
There is very little left "up." My bed, my TV, my computer, a few clothes, my cooking utensils, what's in the bathroom, that's about it. The rest is piled, boxed, cluttered and in a mountain, or several little ones.
It is overwhelming. Consider I get up at 2 am to do my job. That is actually the one thing that has kept me somewhat sane. I can go in there, do my job, do it well, and make the entire state of affiliates think everything is fine. Well, it is, compared to me.
I have to get out of York. 15 years is enough. I will still be around. I have a lot of great friends here, good people, etc. But a change is necessary. I have to go to a bigger city, and get into that city, and its people.
It is going to be very different, living where I will be living. In a city, with lots of neighbors, and people around me.
I admit...I'm banking on this house, I have to. I have no time for anything other. We have to get this, but I can't be taken for a ride. We have to get it right, and that means the seller has to get it right.
I had a very interesting situation over the weekend. I spend most of my weekends sleeping, and also doing other things that need to get done. I did some reading of one of my stories.
Here is a rough cut of Chapter 1 of "Live from the Cafe" --
An old colleague gave me a nice review. Got a really good one from an artist named Mystie, you'll find her on Behance...she told me the chapter was "beautifully written," and I inspired her to write again.
How about that?
That makes me feel good. Now, can I make "Live..." as good as it's feeling?
I have several ready, but I have to get focused on the things I must do. Keep promoting "A Moment...", get an agent, get ready for the third book, "Drifters...", which you can also find bits of at that Behance site...and...moving...and...getting ready to move...and...
Too many "Ands."
Sunday was a day off, concept. Didn't feel like one. I can't really shop, because I'll need to down the road to get all the stuff I'm going to need for this move and to move in.
No place I go, do I feel welcomed. I just felt lost in a very dark chasm.
I went home, and knowing I would have to go to sleep soon anyway, did so.
This has got to get done. The change of scenery is needed. I have a good feeling in Harrisburg, with the people in that neighborhood, and I want to get this done.
I want it done, so I can get back to my life, and get back to what I want to do. I have an idea of what my home will be like.
The one in York, I mean, beautiful site, but a house of horrors. The guy buying it I think does not realize what he is getting. He's gonna freak.
He'll probably blame me, and I suppose some goes to me, but not all. I've made clear to him the issues he faces, and I don't think he liked what he heard. Nothing I can do about that.
That house is a house I keep leaving, fleeing in fact. The contact I need is not there. Not enough of it.
So yeah, stability again would be nice, and I have no idea when I will find it. But I have to weather this. Somehow I have to weather this.
Am I going mad? Have I descended into madness already? I am not a "normal" person, but I'd like to think I have enough tendencies to be useable in our society.
And what I want to do, I'm undeterred by any of this. It will happen. It's going to fucking happen.
Again, patience, and trying to be mindful. It's hard, believe me.
As I said...I don't think I am asking too much.
I have a job, a decent one, and it will be my last one in broadcasting, hopefully. My second job is okay. I have opportunities to do other things.
I want that home to be the place I write, and not flee to do it. It has possibilities, so many possibilities, and I want to see how they do. How do they go, what happens?
I am running out of time, that's how I feel. The details must be dealt with, someone once said.
This is the mad writer of "A Moment in the Sun," and other works, haha! I have also just given you an unvarnished view of what is going on in my life, and my mind, right now.
It's not dangerous, at least not to anyone but me. I'll get through it, because at the end of the day, I'm still alive, and I'm headed for the next day to make it better.
That's it, that's all.